Manual How I Battled The Demons Of Bipolar Disorder

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It hit home:. I take Adderrall, escitalopram and gabapentin in order to sleep because my dau has borderline disorder and so did my mother, I think I have the same symptoms..

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I get so angry, fearful, feel inadequate and would slit my wrists if it werent for my children and grandchildren…maybe I had better talk about the border line personalty disorder with my doc this week…if I can get out of bed.. The description of depression mostly resonated with me, but when I am depressed there is no hope and no key to unlock the depression my cage and my surroundings are a miasma of darkish colorlessness.

While bipolar depression can make employment incredibly difficult, some simple tips can help you make it through every work day with success. Hi everyone! Today, I will be speaking about depression and being employed: How to Make it Work. While constant life changes may feel like a way to find stability and happiness, ultimately these achievements come from within and following a treatment plan.

Finding stability with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder can be quite an undertaking to say the least. Stability for me has been very elusive, and only recently have I When bipolar depression symptoms are overwhelming, finding the strength to do even a small task can help you make it through the awful days. This is when the illness is as physical as it is mental. Depression makes me feel limited and, at times, hopeless. But I have not come this far to be limited.

I have not survived the countless previous bipolar storms to let this one have the final say. I will not let bipolar define me. During depression, it is hard not to see my life as one Post Views: 8, All throughout college, she struggled with depression and anxiety. She found it extremely difficult to balance school, work, and singing in her university gospel choir.

This pattern continued after graduation for years with short intervals of hypomania scattered in between. In May of , she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2.

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She experienced her first major manic episode in January For 9 months, her mania kept increasing and was left unnoticed and untreated. During this time, she struggled with hypersexuality. When her mania subsided, she crashed into a severe depression and became suicidal. It was after this that she did intensive outpatient therapy and started to blog about her struggles with bipolar disorder.

Since coming to terms with her illness, she has found the strength to take charge of her health and be more proactive in managing her triggers. Her favorite hobby is playing horror video games. Her daytime profession is a molecular biologist at a biotechnology company. She also writes about her personal journey on her blog, The Bipolar Compass. Gayle January 16, at pm. January 12, at am. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published. Please do not use your full name, as it will be displayed.

Julie A. Current Issue bp Magazine for Bipolar Summer I felt so alive and had all these visions and stories I've never heard or seen before. I thought I was Jesus then I thought I was lucifer the fallen angel. Everytime I'm manic or enlightened I feel like the spirits are talking to me through my head and through the tv I feel so amazing the first episode I was a lil scared and didn't know what to do. I flew to Texas to see a tech n9ne concert rented a car in El Paso, then drove to Lubbock Texas I had a certainty that I needed tech to to help complete my visions and I thought he needed me.

It's hard to explain now, anyway I flew from Lubbock to I think Austin or Houston and then was telling all these strangers that I was Jesus and I am here to save you and All this other interesting information I've never knew before. I got scared and was crying in the middle of a field telling everyone I was Jesus and they called the police, they took me to the hospital for evaluation, meds didn't do anything there so they took me to a pscychward in Texas and kept me there on heavy medication for 2 weeks, meds didn't do nothing and I still knew all these things and still felt i was Jesus.

About a month ago my daughter started displaying manic moods. We went to the ER cause I had no idea what was going on. She is not suicidal so that was no help. Her episodes got worse, mor frequent and we did not understand what was going on. A week later she admitted herself into inpatient. WORST 10 days of her life and mine!!! After being released and now on meds for 3 weeks I see no difference.

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Drs say that it takes weeks and that we may need to change meds until we find the right one, which I can't just stand! We are giving multiple vitamins as well. All of her "symptoms" or what we have thought parinoid thoughts and irrational thinking and talking is everything explained in this article along with a few others. I literally don't know what direction to go!! Take meds, don't take meds. Seek only spiritual others and work they that.

Or take meds and spiritual others. I'm so lost and confused as what to do!! I know she is trying to awaken!!! This all can't be coincidence Hi Kim, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I cannot tell you what to do.

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I can only tell you briefly my story and maybe you will find comfort in that. Two years ago I ended up in the emergency room after a long manic-psychotic episode. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had completely lost touch with reality. I saw connection between everything and everyone. My mind tried to makes sense of it all and created numerous versions of the reality, such as I was moving between parallel universes, computers were controlling us, I was having memories of previous lives, I was traveling in time, etc. Now I understand all of them were my mind constructs of something, whatever we call it, awareness, a spiritual dimension, etc, that we can't really explain.

They gave me a lot of anti-psychotic medication at the hospital I tried to run away three times , I spent three days in the behavioral health unit, and one month in outpatient therapy. The medication helped calmed me down. I went off of zyprexa after a month and I remain on lithium and on therapy two years later. I don't know what your daughter is experiencing, but it took me months to get my thoughts back in order, and it took me about a year to trust myself again, and probably now two to be confident and talk about it more openly.

I was lucky to have my family and close friends to support me. I think the best think they did was just listen to me and be there for me. When I was at the hospital I could sometimes recognize my husband, and sometimes I could feel calm. But other times, I felt everyone was an impostor. From what I read later, the best thing you can do for someone in a manic-psychotic state is to be there with them in the present moment without judgement.

I think that is very true. When people were not there with me, it felt as an aggression, it hurt. Be present in the moment with her. I learned to pay attention that if something was making me stronger I was in the right track, if it was making it weaker like zyprexa it was time to change. Your daughter will find that out for herself with your support. Kim, I sure can relate to your situation and state of desperation last april. As a mom, its been very hard to not only try to comprehend what's happening to your child grown or not but to get help, support especially if your child is an adult.

We were reacting in complete fear vs. Responding and truly hearing what he was telling us, nothing was cohesive or made any sense. We made it worse, caused more trauma and harm than any good. But we learned ALOT during the recovery period. Less trauma for all and recovery while still up and down, is progressing much smoother this time.

The acceptance of the meds was huge for us as parents, especially due to our lack of trust in them and our beliefs that of course reflect on our son and he refused to take and instead self medicate. To no avail. Now we all understand how important the meds are for balancing his mind and emotions. Its making a huge difference now, and were grateful! Would love to hear how you're all doing now. Thank you Chris for this post.

I think it is the first time I read about the integration of bipolar and spirituality in a way that acknowledges the link rationally. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a manic psychotic episode two years ago. I am under treatment with lithium and therapy. I've gained a lot of understanding, but I still struggle between accepting my manic episode for the spiritual insight that I feel it was, and rationally dismissing it as mere craziness of the mind, as a resort to avoid its traps.

Your blog helped see how I can honor the experience while simultaneously manage it. It is also encouraging to know others share a similar perception of bipolar as I have. Finding your article brought tears to my eyes because i had not known anyone who had experienced these things you are talking about.

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After i finally got on medication after three years of serious suffering I told myself that all my buying book after book on christian mysticism, and every religion i could get my hands on was just mania. I wanted to be saved honestly from my racing mind and restless body.

I thought i could be cured by enlightenment. I would meditate for hours. I thought at one point i was a decedent of jesus or an ancient chinese master. I even found an alien race that i thought was visiting me often. I would see their outlines next to me and even thought i was one. Sadly i found out when i was on medication that these religions and aliens werent real and made all my mania much worse.

Everything you talked about in this article touched me on some level. The grandiosity and perfectionism. Recently i started doing some meditation for this new diet i found to help balance out my chakras and cure my illness with food. I could feel the mania coming back, and the aliens. Which sent me into a week from hell. And just reading this article made my whole month. Helped me understand that Im not alone, and at those moments of mania and depression there are others there for me, holding my hand, and telling me everything is going to be okay.

For years I've been studying psychology, philosophy, religion, occult.. Etc etc.. Trying to figure out everything.. Trying to find a cure to work through the depression and utilize my mania for moments of creation I felt I have came up with a lot of good stuff.. But at the same time.. The toll of the spiritual awakenings are brutal And they are starting to hinder my ability to be productive in modern society So I'm gonna have to take meds until I can get to a place to go back into my "madness" and work through it some more I get addicted to the high of the manias along with the great feeling you get when you dig yourself out of your depressions And I have went to all these "levels" also..

Of perfectionism, feeling judged, feeling like I'm better than others, feeling like I can save the world, feeling like I can come up with something to enlighten all of humanity And I have helped a lot of people in this battle.. But I have had to go to hell each time to get these insights And each time I come back more broken more jaded And it's harder and harder to find the light again So for now I'm gonna try meds and see what happens I'm just afraid that link to the spiritual will be cut off Nicely written article Chris. Moderation and balance seems to be the key. Learning how to identify whats throwing you off centre, and with yourself and support network, figuring out how to recentre.

A bit of background about me, I was diagnosed with BP 5 years ago, and I'm a doctor myself. An odd situation to be in, I feel anyway. What I have learnt with dealing with my own symptoms, are that the mind in BP is an illness just like the body is in starvation. When our thoughts arise, especially in the early phases of our extremes, we need to really be careful not to feed these too much, and find out whether they are leading us back to centre..

The only way we could help change the world, doing our part in the community, is to be alive and functional through it. Reading these messages has impacted me more than you will ever know. Right now. In this moment. I am going through this. They just put me on an anti depressant. Something was telling me that it was not what I need.

It's only day 2 on the Celexa. I talked to a therapist. She noticed my manic state and told me to consider a second opinion. Mood stabilizers if anything but not anti depression. I wrote everything down. I just had too much happen too fast with my awakening. I'll tell my story one day for sure but right now, I'm grateful to know I am not alone.

Spirtual awakening it is called because from birth we r told lie Our elder and when we go to manic state. We think we r unlightened. Just the mind starts to work fast and we see thing and hear things no other can see. The dichotomous thinking is seemingly vague to a random guy but very important in this discussion.. More like finding the balance. The first time I saw something that nobody else did. I predicted accurately the immediate future. I drove a demon from a kid named Immanuel. I have witnesses and this isn't a skewed account of events. May I also add I didn't think about these things they just came out or I did them as if I wasn't even in control.

There was alot of things I was so sure of that never happened. That's what left me so confused. I was doing advanced numerology and didn't even know what it was at the time. I just cannot believe my mind created all that. I felt like there were gates laying over my mind that opened up and I was receiving this type of divine knowledge.

My ex wife though I was possessed. If I was it wasn't a demon. At times during all this I felt as if I was in some kind of trance. I only struggle with understanding what it is. Some of these events were supernatural and didn't just feel like it. We know of many prophets not in the bible who have predicted the future. There are many unexplained things medicine attempts to explain and I just can't buy it.

I cannot predict the future or anything like that. But I did so I know it wasn't me but whatever was affecting me. So I feel some spiritual being has interrupted my life in a big way. As crazy as it sounds I welcome it. In reality I am an accomplished person and none consider me crazy ever until I talk about my experiences. You know the 'manic' ones. So it has forced me to keep alot of this to myself.

Dr's don't even know my story rather they just care about symptoms and pills. The evangelical community says these thing are real but when a real person goes to them about it you find out real fast they don't believe it. Just wanted to share my experience maybe in hopes there is someone who has experienced a similar thing that could help me understand what I'm dealing with. Dear Justin I agree with you that a spiritual manic state is a trance which is controlled by some entity outside our normal reality perception.

And in this trance we become able of things which are otherwise ascribed to Gods, angels or demons. I went on intensive 10 days vipassana meditation retreat in a Thai buddhist monastery in Nov During the retreat at nights I started to "hear voices and sounds", something that never happened to me before. On the tenth day, like at a prescription, I had an awakening experience with the release of kundalini energy and opening of the head chakra. Following the retreat, I started to develop intense psychotic symptoms - on some days I was manic, carried by some immense force to experience the world, be overly generous, lost any fear, felt communicating with animals around me.

I was shown parallel realities as if I was an avatar in a virtual reality game. I was being struck by impulses of love, compassion, sadness or joy like at the switch of a button from some higher force. On other days I felt watched by the birds and cameras like in a all surveillance society and became deeply frightened.

After a week of travel, I wondered barefoot around Bangkok, entered some Buddhist monastery and was pressed by some higher force to the ground in a crucifix position, it was like an epileptic seizure during which I experienced an epiphany for the first time in my life, whereby the God or some higher level entity by whose appearance I was blinded has beamed his plan on how to save this planet, humans and animals into my sub consciousness. After this I was helped to get up by some monks and started talking and shouting that plan in a human language like in a delusion.

Then I walked through slums and building sites of bangkok for some 4 hours noticing bad working conditions, pollution of the nature and other injustice which needs to be addressed. Indeed, after such an experience, I felt like I was "chosen" to accomplish that divine plan on Earth, and I had to obey that role. Finally, I collapsed at the Bangkok airport and was placed into intensive care while my family and friends were missing me on my flight back to Europe and only able to locate me through the embassy two days later. I spent 4 days in a hospital on heavy meds and returned back home in a weeks time with a diagnosis of "meditation-induced psychosis".

I couldn't anyhow explain rationally what happened to me and tried to avoid those memories. My psychiatrist cancelled all medication, but then two month later in February the first real depression episode started in my life. It was terrifying with existential fears, panic attacks etc. Finally, 6 weeks after taking anti-depressants, depression evolved into apathy and a few weeks later dissolved.

Then in September, I started to read about spirituality, and went to awakening Satsang again. After that, like at a push of a button, my one month long manic episode started to evolve. I became very inspired, creative and productive, needed only hours sleep every night, however also at times became very impulsive shouting loud at people who "didn't get how things should work properly".

I also felt very strong connection with the nature again, in terms of synchronicity. After a few shouting accidents, my parents called my doctor who advised to check into the clinic. When I arrived at the clinic, the first thing I was really angry about was that it didn't have a chapel for prayer, and I shouted in protest to the personnel. Well, they diagnosed me with bipolar and I spent there some 5 weeks and my medication was changed from SSRNI to stabilizers valproat, quentiapin. Very important thing in the clinic was a reflection that while in a manic phase, I didn't accept the "illness" explanation, which from the societal perspective is quite reasonable.

However, I strongly believe that depressive phase was an important spiritual lesson not to turn away from God and from love and into fear. And also now I feel like I can be truly empathetic towards people suffering from depression, which was simply impossible before experiencing the state myself. I don't know what to expect in the future yet, as my diagnosis is young, but thank God I lost fear of it for now. And I am intending for a christening later this year.

Love to all of you and thanks so much Chris for posting this blog! I had some experiences like you. I saw demons but no one believed me. I wonder if there is somebody like us. Sorry for my english. This describes exactly what has been happening to me for years now. I have just come to terms with being bipolar and my spiritual path has included ALL of these factors to a great extent.

Its like you wrote this after reading my mind and following my actions. There was a certain Shaman who when visiting the United States, was appalled with horror at the way mentally ill are drugged and housed in facilities, restrained against will. He stated that as a Shaman, he has seen how other cultures treats their mentally ill, which they regard as "messengers. Maybe Maimonadies and the Shaman are right in both regards.

Living with Bipolar Disorder

I just can't comprehend where or why the dualism of the poles of the brain are at war with the messenger, unless the Apostle Paul was absolutely correct in stating that "The proverbial battle is in the mind. Maybe the poles are conducers for both light and dark energy transmission. And the goal is to carefully discern the dynamic, and transmute the dark into the Light.

God Bless you all as you struggle with your gift and the curse of mental illness. What is meant to be will always find it's way, Amen? For me, a significant mania was the result of a spiritual insight. When we see that normal life is a kind of psychosis and what we had thought we were was a fiction, thats can be very traumatic and commonly causes loss of sleep. Some traditions in retreats or meditative practices can use techniques that may induce hypomania, because the emotional system can help "get" the realization that might have been there but was not impactful enough to penetrate the psyche.

Free will is an illusion, so what? Mania can get the what. However as your article cautions, there may also be a tendency to believe delusions. As you say the perrenial truth is always there in front of our face. If the insights or visions go away without mania or arent something stable, people should be very suspicious. BP patients need most of all the buddhist practice of examining the validity of mental stories and the operation the mind.

Dearest Chris - Thank you for offering such a wise and coherent means of navigating the blessings and pitfalls of bipolar mania. I too experienced many times the sense of being divinely enlightened, seemingly ordained by God Himself, with a sense of urgency to explain all to everyone, frustrated that friends and family could not understand life the way I did. In mentioning these frustrations to a counselor during a scheduled visit, she kindly reminded me that such a heightened sense of everything did not necessarily mean that I was closer to God, but perhaps further away, for where was - you guessed it - patience, humility, kindness, or a sense of connectedness - sacred serenity, if you will - in the equation?

Out the window. That was in , when I was Fast forward to today in when at age 48 I have a healthier spiritual approach to life and a greater respect for all the havoc an unmanaged bipolar condition can create. Talk about a dichotomy! Thank you for reminding me of this dual nature, and for hitting not only all four components of the experience for me, but the anecdotes, too. Please keep doing what you're doing for the bipolar community and those who try to understand us.

Best regards! I once was taken to a psychiatric hospital because of a bout of bipolar depression with psychotic features. I saw the world at that time as though hell was just waiting for me to arrive. Not an experience I would ever wish on anyone. The pitfalls of negative thinking in bipolar depression most likely have the same anecdotes of kindness, compassion, mercy, patience, etc. I agree friend, that love is always the answer. I have experienced all of this. Sounds weird I know. I have recently been diagnosed with BP.

Always been a Spiritual person, so every vision or experience has been about the Kingdom of Heaven. At times there are souls in purgatory seeking prayers and at other times messages for others that some how make sense to them. It is really interesting to hear of others spiritual experiences. I have come to look at my manic episodes as spiritual walkabouts. The only way I had to make sense of it was the Catholic tradition I was raised in.

And then the doctors making me doubt the experiences I had seen and had as delusions from a brain that was just unbalanced. But in the west it seems to be trial and error with a few guides sprinkled in here and there. In a way it ultimately the life of the shaman, you have to be bitten by the snake and heal yourself before you are able to heal others.

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After subsequent experiences I have learned to keep my mouth shut and try and only pass on knowledge to those that have found me and asked about it. I want to write so much more but I think I should start with this and see how it goes. Anyone else who has had similar experiences, I look forward to reading about your journeys. Also I consider myself a 13; i am not sure if anyones else can relate, its complex and simple at the same time. If people are interested I can explain my understanding; for starters- its a 12 based world, Jesus had 12 disciples.

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for such an article, it really opened my mind. Well, here I am, I was hospitalised recently ans was diagnosed with BP, was given anti-depressants but threw them away last month. Actually this is not the reason I am writing I see things that no one sees, hear and urgency calls me to places where emergency calls me.

Some people I have never met, when I arrived to them they tell me they have seen me or dreamt of me, blah blah. This is getting stronger by day, I cannot even function in the world anymore. Honestly, as much as this is affecting my relationship with many people, I do not want to lose it as many people tell me how much I help or have helped them, odd I know ryt?

I need to find a way to balance this but at the same me meaningful to the world. How can Eastern ways help me. I have tried the born again as well as the African part but still, I cannot function well in the world. I was diagnosed with bipolar in October of Like most of you, my experience was highly spiritual. I am not shocked how many people that are bi polar have such experiences. I have still not been able to accept that these happenings are just the result of a mania..

In biblical times it was not uncommon to preach the word to the point of death.. Stop and think. I started having manic episodes in my early 20's. The first one I had, I felt enlightened. I could see things, hear things in the center of my head and voices in my ears, and imagine with my thoughts. I thought I was being introduced into a new spiritual world.

I even played different games with myself.

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Not just in the mind. But with myself. And I am a drug addict trying to get clean. But as more episodes came along, they got worse and worse. Ending up in mental institutions and hospitals. And i still have this torture. Sometimes I can't tell the difference from reality to fantasy. I have ups and downs, crying spells, and have had a hard life and i thought this was going to save me too.

But here I am today 2 weeks ago out of milwood mental hospital. And i also thought I was Jesus. Then I thought of worse things. One episode I had I was driving. And I could not focus on where I was going. It was really bad and very dangerous. But there was something there to drive for me to make sure I wouldn't crash or cause an accident. My uncle told me when I was very little I said I was going to be an anthropologist.